its the ups and downs..

we have been home on the farm for a week now from our family vacation in Hawaii and life has been happening all around us. The weather has been unseasonably warm and I have soaked it up as much as one possibly could have, spending mornings letting the chickens out, cleaning their coop, raking leaves up from the beds and pulling foliage from cosmos and sunflowers for the compost pile. I excitedly planted my first tomatoes and flowers on my potting bench and stared thru the plastic dome like an excited child waiting by the oven for that fresh, hot chocolate chip cookie..waiting. We moved our farm machinery back to the yard for its yearly maintenance before we start seeding in a couple of weeks and even spent evenings out on the swing in t-shirts while dinners cooked on the bbq. Its Spring here on the farm..and I love it!

of course with all the excitement that life offers, so comes life's trials and challenges. this week Hudson is teething something fierce and my heart breaks for this period in his life. Two days ago, he began cutting 3 new teeth..all at once! his nose was running, drool trickled out from his sweet little mouth, a painful diaper rash erupted on his bottom and he was NOT happy!! My poor little baby is growing up!! Its exciting but challenging..

beyond the aches and pains of toddlerhood came even bigger heartbreaks for our family this week. My husbands grandma landed in the hospital near the tail end of our vacation with pneumonia and only recently was released. Then my mom let me know my uncle was hospitalized for stomach pains and was diagnosed with stomach cancer and is needing his entire stomach to be removed quickly. Then a text from my best friend about a personal heartbreak of her own...it was just one thing after another. People around me are hurting and I wish I could take that hurt for them and give them hope.

Then yesterday, I received a text from a very dear friend of mine that finally broke me. Her beautiful daughter, who just turned 1 last week and was born with down syndrome, has been diagnosed with a form of leukaemia. I was shattered. This family has already been through so much and this precious little girl..why? Why is this all happening? What is going on? I know its not for me to question the why's or the how's of this world but somedays I cannot help myself. Everyone is going through some form of struggle and I guess thats "just life"..whatever that means..

so here's to the ups and downs of life. the struggles and the victories. the hurt and the joy.

here's to life..

thank you

the kindness you have all shown us has been remarkable. I wish I could reach out and hug you all for making us feel so supported..we have read each and every one of your comments left here and on my Instagram account and you have left us speechless! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Today we leave for Calgary. It's the final stop before the big day tomorrow and I am a mixed bag of emotions. Hudson is full of giggles and smiles these days and I hope we won't go too long before seeing his sweet personality again. It breaks my heart just thinking about it...

Today is pre-op day. He'll have bloodwork done so they can test his blood type and make sure they have a supply on hand in surgery for if/when they need to do a transfusion. He will also get a laser head scan today to show things such as head circumference and "before" pictures that we can compare to the "after" ones he'll have taken 2-3 weeks post op. 

We'll also find out his surgery time for tomorrow, keeping our fingers crossed it's bright and early so that:

A) he won't have to go too long after waking without eating for his pre-op fasting; and

B) we can just get it over and be done with it

So here we go. I am fearful and hopeful and everything in between...but lets do this!

Craniosynostosis...

When I was expecting Hudson, I had the usual fears and worries about parenthood. I never, ever expected our journey in parenthood to begin the way it did and life in 2014 surely threw us some major curveballs. But you know what? We're still here. We're smiling, we're together and we're stronger than ever. Hudson has filled this void in our lives that we didn't even realize was there. He's our breath of fresh air and his personality and smile make my day..every. single. day

But a curveball that was thrown at us at the end of November was that Hudson was diagnosed with an early fusion of the metopic suture. What that means is the frontal plates of his skull fused earlier than they should and his brain can no longer grow forward the way it needs to. It won't inhibit his brains growth but it could lead to a head shape deformity, pressure, migraines, eye problems..the list went on.

We were told we needed to make the decision on his surgery within a week as they like to do them before babies are a year old (bones only get harder as we grow) and Hudson turns one this Sunday (Jan 11th). The surgery would have Hudson put under for 3 hours. An incision would be made in his hair line from one ear to the other and it would involve the removal of his skull so they can break the fuse, reshape it and finally, replace it. He may require multiple blood transfusions and would be so swollen he may not be able to see for a couple of days.

It was a heartbreaking & shocking appointment. We went in to check on his lip (which was fine!) and came out with a major cranial surgery looming over our heads. That silent, tearful walk to the truck that day will forever be etched on my heart.

Since then we have done our research and asked multiple doctors and family members their opinion. Our confidence has grown in our decision to go ahead with the surgery and I am hopeful that everything will be okay. But I would definitely be lying if I told you I wasn't scared. So many fears have crept up on me. My baby and cranial surgery, how did this happen?

So here we..his surgery is happening Wednesday and I am reaching out and asking you keep my little boy in your hearts this week. We know what to expect from our research and we know it's going to be hard. But we also know that Hudson is strong, so so SO strong and he is surrounded by a huge support group to help pull him through. The light for me in this dark time is knowing he won't remember any of it. Not the needles or the pain or the days of being so swollen he won't be able to see. And I am so thankful for that

And on top of his strength? I know that babies are resilient. He will (hopefully) be back to his smiley, giggly self within a week and that lightens the nerves we have right now. Hudson will be in the PICU for 3-5 days and then we'll be released on Tylenol (wow). It's amazing and it's terrifying what they can do these days!

So my friends? Please.. Please pray for Hudson as we embark this week on the scariest thing we have encountered in our first year as parents. Keep Hudson in your heart and your thoughts this week as he goes under and recovers..I can't tell you enough how much we'd appreciate it.

Wednesday ramblings..

The Winter solstice is upon us and many are hunkering down for a long winter ahead. Farmers and gardeners alike are grateful for the rest after a long & busy Summer/harvest. For the first time in 4 years, I wasn't sad at all to pull out my garden and throw it on the compost pile. It was a weird growing year and hard to keep up with when I had a new baby that needed me. It was a year of change for sure. Change in garden locations, change in growing conditions (both in the garden and in the field), change of priorities and change in ourselves as we grew into parenthood. Yes, if I had to sum up 2014 in one word it would definitely be change.

I fought it hard..I hate change. I picked it apart and dissected my thoughts towards it all and my mood was all over the place. 2014, you were hard. The high of giving birth to our beautiful baby boy gave way to frustrations and questions and guilt and then the waves of grief quietly rolled in, gently at first and then some came crashing in. I still remember the night I walked into the kitchen and a wave of grief hit me so hard it took my breath away in an instant. When you don't have a new baby to anticipate, it's funny how quickly the grief you skipped over when you lose your dad trickles in.

I cannot honestly sit here and tell you I have fully healed and am in a 100% better place yet. But what I *can* tell you is, I have learned a lot. I have grown. I have allowed myself to feel everything and to let things sit before I work on them. I have found my passions and I have commited my life to these passions and this life here on our farm..this place is my bliss and my blessing in life

And with that in mind, I have opened my heart to 2015. I am not going to plan it or make it be the best I have ever had. Instead, I am going to let it be the year that takes me to wherever I need to be. I need to heal and to grow and to nurture..and that's exactly what 2015 will be. A year of hope. A year of simple joy. 2015 will be about nurturing my son, my marriage, myself, my art, my garden..and I find that so deeply comforting..

so today, while my boys are taking a much needed nap..I am enjoying the quiet time curled up with a cup of hot coffee and pouring over the newest seed catalogues to hit our mailbox..planning, dreaming...hoping..

Snowy Thursdays

The snow fell again last night. This morning we woke up to a pitch black world with no idea what was waiting for us when the sun would eventually come up. Around these parts, that means we now wait past 8:30 am before the dark lifts for the shorter days. Winter is definitely here.

While Hudson napped this morning, I cleaned the kitchen and started yet another load of laundry.. It seems dirty clothing is one thing I never run out of these days, how does that happen? And then I decided I would look for a few things in the basement which left me coming up empty handed and beyond frustrated. It seems like around here all there is is projects. So many projects started and still left unfinished. Rooms with boxes are countless, the "stuff" we have collected over the last 30 years spills from the corners and leaves me anxious and overwhelmed. I have wished out loud for a fairy to come and take all of our mess of our hands and put it away somewhere, out of sight. I can't keep up. I can't seem to get it organized. All I see online are beautiful homes and mothers who have a place for everything and I wonder how they do it. Why can't I get it together over here? Maybe someday..maybe I'll get my act together and whip this place into shape this winter...but until then..life will carry on and it waits for no-one...so we might as well stop and take it in while we can because some day, I won't have all this extra laundry or these toys to pick up or the dirty face to wipe..and someday, I'll maybe even miss this mess..

Thoughtful Thursdays

Last night I put Hudson in his exersaucer while I made his daddy's lunch for today and I couldn't help but notice how he quietly played with all of his toys by himself. I found myself standing in the kitchen, watching him..staring for what seemed like hours. He moved around and played with every toy so intently and made these little sounds almost as if he were speaking to them. I couldn't help myself, I had to grab my camera and sneak a photo of him to document this moment. What I wouldn't give to have known what was going on in his mind. I wondered if he was creating this huge world for himself and his toys, what he was doing and what he was thinking. What an amazing privilege it is to witness a child come full circle, isn't it?

My baby is 8 months old already. The time has completely flown by. When I look at him now I sometimes don't even see a baby anymore but a child. Full of personality with thoughts of his very own. And someday very soon, I'll be privileged to hear his thoughts come from his very own, tiny voice.

Don't grow up so fast my little one...be my baby as long as you possibly can...

Seasons

We are already on the cusp of the middle of September. Most of the leaves are still green around here but everywhere you look, there are whispers of Autumn. Yellow leaves are spotted in every tree, our tree rows have a few gatherings of crispy leaves that crunch underfoot on our daily walks and the air is cool to the skin. I would like to say its a welcome reprieve from the heat of our Summer but honestly? It really isn't. Spring was long and cold and wet, flowers and vegetables were slow to take off and only really began producing in August. So with Fall gushing in, its kind of a bittersweet time.

The other morning I awoke to find the first frost had taken most of my flowers. The dahlias now lay blackened the zinnias lost all their colour overnight and the cosmos lay heavy on the ground. My sunflowers are still showing their cheery faces to me, but I know its not for long. It feels so very bittersweet this year..

If you have known me for some time now, you know that I absolutely adore Autumn. The orange/yellow leaves, the golden sunlight..its a photographers dream to live in such a place where seasons truly shine. This Summer, the weeds took off on me in the garden, snakes were in my flower beds and the lawn seemed like it constantly needed mowing..it was an exhausting job and I looked forward to Winter to have some more time for other things in my life. But now that its finally here, I shake my head at myself for, once again, wishing away the time. I was scrolling thru my camera roll on my IPhone and came across a photo I took of our backyard this last Winter. Everything looked so bare, so dark, so...cold. And I wondered if wishing this Summer away was the smartest thing I've done?!

The last few days here have been unseasonably cool & wet and has once again postponed our harvest. When will it get done you ask? We're starting to wonder the same thing! Harvest should have been done by now. The men should be on to sloughs and machinery maintenance and farm chores outside the field. But here we are, humbled by mother nature again.

Then yesterday happened. It was a dark and dreary day..both outside our walls and within my soul. I questioned so many things in my life. Where I am & where I want to be. And then I came across a video from the keynote speech my mentor, Joy, had just given down in Salt Lake City for ClickAway. She spoke of her journey in life and as a photographer. She was raw and honest. She spoke some words that cut so deep I found myself watching her thru my own tears. It was like someone finally spoke to that hurt inside of me and made me truly feel it for the first time in a long time. And it was finally the truth. And that truth is, I'm going through a really hard time in my life right now. A really, really painful time. I'm feeling, I'm hurting, I'm learning and I am changing. Only my husband and one other true soul mate knows what I am currently going thru. But I won't let it stop me from smiling every.single.day. Why? Because. Even though I'm going through a painful season in life, I still want to be that smile for someone else. I want to bring hope to every day. I want to inspire, in any small way I can. The truth is I never thought I'd speak these words outside of my own mind! But I realized that keeping it all in hasn't done me much good these last few months so maybe writing them out will help. And if any of these words have started resonating with you, then I guess I've done my job!

Anyways..I walked away from that video feeling raw but hopeful. I bundled up my little man for our daily afternoon walk to the chickens and started contemplating the words I had just heard. And as I got to my coop, my flock looked smaller. I couldn't figure out why until I got closer, but I knew something wasn't right. My last remaining barred rock hen from 3 years ago was lying dead on the pen floor and a rooster from my new addition was laying dead in their pen. And I was still missing 4. I opened up the door to their coop and there they were..all 4...dead in a pile. All wheaton marans. I have waited for my marans for a year and a half before they were mine. I couldn't wait to proudly show off my chocolate brown shelled eggs. And there were my hens...gone. We have no idea what happened. Possibly a weasel, possibly poisoned, possible disease. No idea. Every other chicken looks healthy though so we have checked disease off our list but the question still lingers.
And while I am now used to losing livestock (as my friend once told me, "if you have livestock, you have dead stock") it still hurt me. Maybe more so because it was just another "thing" to add to the list of hurts this year..but man, I felt so..defeated.

So, to sum up my feelings right now? I am so over 2014. OVER IT! 2014 gave me my amazing son and I can't imagine life without him, I love him so. But, otherwise? Yeah...it definitely hasn't been "one for the books". Its been an off year. A weird year. A painful year. Am I looking forward with hope and faith? You betcha! But I know that this season I am in right now is a journey and it's not something I can just skip over and move on to happier, sunnier times. I have to put in the work. I have to feel, have to ponder, have to really work at it.

The truth is I hate change. And thats exactly what 2014 has been about. CHANGE. Everything has changed for me and I am most definitely not the same person I was 2 years ago. And instead of fighting it. I have to let that person go. I have to be real with myself and let myself go and be the person I am meant to be now. Life has changed me. People have changed me. And thats not necessarily a bad thing! My life, my views, my art are all progressing as they should and I am actually kind of excited to meet this new version of, well...me

I apologize if this post is just a bit too deep for some of you out there but, I needed to put this out in the world even if just for myself. But if this did resonate with you at all, know you aren't alone. If you follow me on Pinterest, you may find some of my quotes on the board *words* may be just the ticket for you..as I know they definitely sit right with me ;)

I hope you are all staying warm this weekend and enjoying the company of those you love. Happy weekend!!

A case of the Mondays

I have been feeling anxious & overwhelmed lately and altogether just plain weighed down. There is a pile of to do list weighing in over my head that never seem to be dealt with and that pile just keeps adding up. Don't get me wrong, things are good in life..Hudson brings so much joy to our lives, farming is good, Harvest is around the corner...but life just seems to be a little too much for me these days. Lately I spend a good part of my days with my head in the clouds, thinking of what I should be doing, what needs to be done, housework & chores, people I should see, people that I want to see less of..the list goes on and on. I laid in bed last night, after another day had come and gone and I told my husband that all I wanted was to wake up this morning with a brand new start. No to do list, no weights anchoring me to yesterday..nothing..a clean slate on life. Of course we all know that isn't possible but, for that brief minute we discussed it..my heart felt lighter. I felt hopeful. I woke up this morning with a smile on my face, thinking to myself "its a new day..make it a good one". I got up with the sunrise, made my bed, poured myself a cup of ambition and got to the task at hand of cleaning my home. Hopeful that a clean home will bring a clean mind. But that anxiety is still there, nestled in my chest.

The truth is, I'm not even sure what to do about it. I have one of those personalities where, if I get overwhelmed, instead of digging right in..I procrastinate. Its a horrible trait of mine. But at least I can recognize it and (hopefully) work on it.

At this point in the day, I have my 3rd load of laundry going, Hudson is down for his morning nap, I have meat out for supper, the dishwasher is going and the house is perfectly silent (my kind of heaven). Yet, here I sit..thinking, worrying, stressing...

I wish I could let yesterdays troubles and worries go. I wish I could just start the day fresh. I really, really want to. I just don't know how.

I think my biggest issue is that I have SO much on my plate, I haven't completed one.single.thing. More "things" keep coming, while nothing gets taken off. The garden needs to be weeded, the flower beds need to be deadheaded, the grass needs mowing, the trees need pruning, the house needs painting, the interior trim needs painting, the floors need scrubbing, the kitchen needs to be deep cleaned, the laundry is behind, did I give Hudson his cereal today? Do I talk to him enough to help develop his vocabulary? The deck needs refinishing, the chickens need a new coop, the garden needs new soil this Fall, the car needs to be cleaned and sold, the truck needs to be washed, photos need editing, the bills need to be mailed off, the books need to be sent off to the accountant, did I pay those land taxes? Adams lunch needs to be made for tomorrow, the guest room needs paint and to be cleaned before mom arrives...ugh its exhausting!! No wonder I can't sleep!

I feel I have finally come to a point in my life where I need to start letting things go. And I need to be okay with that. I need to let possessions go that just fill my home instead of fill my heart. I need to let chores go that can be done tomorrow..or next week..or next month. I need to let past hurts go because holding onto them only hurts me more. And, most importantly, I think I need to let people go. Conflicts and drama don't add to a good life, they only take away from it. And its high time I realize I can't please everyone, nor should I want to. My focus should be here, on my farm..on my family. My little man will be 7 months next week, SEVEN MONTHS! How that time flew by I can't even explain. But, instead of worrying about what others are thinking or saying or even doing..I need to stop looking outside and just focus on whats right here in front of me. Because what Adam and I have going here, is pretty dang awesome ;)

So here's to cleaning out the junk in my home and in my life. Cleaning out my mind and making way for only the good that is about to come our way. Life is good and it needs to be embraced TODAY! 

Icy Sundays..

Happy Sunday everyone!!

We were taking off to Calgary today for a very important date tomorrow but Mother Nature made other plans. Its below freezing here and it started to rain..and I don't have to spell it out how those two elements don't mix! The entire city is a skating rink! We tried to take off this morning and, with Adams injured knee, it took us 15 minutes to get him to the truck which was then preceeded with sliding down the driveway, spinning tires and a 180 in the middle of a very busy street. After the little turn I decided enough's enough and we turned back around and headed for home. I feel terrible for not making it but its better to be safe then sorry! We will attempt to go again in the morning, so please, keep your fingers crossed!

In the meantime, Adam is resting his leg and I am sitting here on the good old laptop pinning away on Pinterest and dreaming up fun ideas for this, our most merriest month of all!! In fact, today I decided to go thru my moms old photo albums and pulled a few favorite Christmas photos to scan to my computer for scrapbooking later (maybe a mini book is in order?!)

I thought I'd share with you a few favorites here...

My brother & I after we opened our presents in 1989

I'm not going to lie, I still make this face when opening presents!

I love this photo!!

 

Happy December 2nd everyone!!

Happy Birthday Beau!!

Photo Taken February 15, 2011, the day after we got engaged @ Disneyland

 

As you may know by now, today is my dear hubby's s 30th Birthday & I surprised him with a trip to Disneyland and it may just be the birthday gift to beat for the rest of our lives ;)

 

I wanted to take a quick moment to wish my farmer a very happy birthday today. He is the man of my dreams and most days I wonder how I ever became so lucky as to marry him. He is my best friend and I am still giddy every morning that I get to live this fabulous life right alongside him!

 

Happy Birthday Beau!! Now, lets get back in line for the Pirates of the Caribbean!!

Shhh..

Hi Friends!!

This past weekend we all went out of town to attend a wedding for my farmers cousin, Kristi Lee. But what my dear hubby didn't know was that, since his 30th Birthday is this Wednesday (October 17th), I planned a big surprise for him! As of yesterday afternoon he found out we were spending the next 4 days down in Los Angeles to spend his birthday week at his most favorite place in the world..

Thats right folks..

 

I've surprised my hubby with a trip to Disneyland!!

 

I've been planning this for quite some time now and let me tell you, it ain't easy to keep such a big secret from your hubs! I booked everything, hid all the required documents in my suitcase, packed extra for him {and here he thought I just needed lots of goodies for the wedding!} and prayed that those in the know would keep the secret to themselves. And my gosh, it was worth it!!

 

I have some posts scheduled for this week and we will be back home by Friday..can't wait to share with y'all our photos of this fabulous & fun trip!!