The number 3 and I have not seen eye to eye in quite some time. Call me superstitious, call me just plain ol paranoid..but I haven't been a fan of "3" this year. I know that sounds silly but, believe me, I have my reasons!

You see, December 3rd was the day of my Daddio's scheduled surgery. I was supposed to be there at the hospital that day but the weather turned horrible the day before and I couldn't even get close to getting out of town, let alone drive the 2.5 hours to Calgary, where my parents were. So I sat at home, and waited.. hours before he was supposed to be done we received the call that changed our life. It was my aunty, who was with my mom, to tell us that they opened and closed Dad up and there was nothing they could do. They gave him 2 years to live. I was devastated. I couldn't understand why this was happening. These things always happen to someone else and you hear about it and feel horrible for them, but then you go on, living your life. But not this time. No, this time..our number was up.

Fast forward to January 3rd. Dad had been moved to the hospital back home 3 days before Christmas and apologized that he wouldn't be home for the holidays. His bowels hadn't started up yet since after surgery but we still weren't sure what was going on. We  brought dad home on day passes thru the holidays and rang in the New Year together. Then January 3rd came and the doctor told dad to get us to the hospital for a meeting. I remember driving up with my mom, nervous. I was hopeful for some good news but deep down inside..I knew. Sure enough a team of doctors came in and explained that dads cancer was a rare form that didn't respond to normal treatments so they were going to give him two rounds of a special chemo and if that didn't work, they were pulling the plug. We cried..we hugged. I had to leave the room but I remember coming back and witnessing my dad snuggling with my mom and telling her how much he loved her and wasn't ready to leave her. I couldn't watch it anymore so I turned to look out the window. How was this fair? Two people so madly in love for so many years could be torn apart by something so stupid as cancer. I was angry, I was scared and I was na├»ve. That was January 3rd..
after our meeting with the drs, dad wanted to go home for the day. So home is where we took him
Then fast forward to February 3rd..the day my Daddio took his last breath and left us for the great beyond, to watch over us until it is time for us to be together again. That moment will forever be remembered as I moment of peace for my mom and I. We knew it was coming, his breathing was getting sparse, his hands, that were always so warm to me, had turned cold. We sat on either side of him and whispered, "its okay..you can go now, you can let go daddy" and then he did. And just like that, his pain was gone. His suffering was over. He deserved so much more out of life but he didn't suffer anymore and that's all we could ask for. We were humbled by this reality. And that was February 3rd..
You can see a pattern here of why a gal like me might not be so fond of little old number three now, can't you?? But now here is where life becomes ironic and life also comes full circle..life is a mystery and a beautiful one at that..
It took me months to start feeling normal again. To laugh when I thought about my dad and to really feel like moving forward again. I still fear the future because the further along I get, the farther away my dad becomes. I'm scared to leave him in the past. What I mean by that is I'm still living in a time where my dad was alive this year, I had conversations with him in 2013. But fast forward a few years and I won't be able to say that. My dad will become a memory..a story. And I hate that.
I didn't know what the future held for me and I was scared. Then, on the morning of May 3rd, 3 months after my dad passed away, I took a test. A very big test. And it showed me that a new life was beginning. A descendent of my Daddio was coming to carry on the family..it was a true circle of life. The irony of the day I found out was not lost on me, was it a sign from my Daddio that good things were still in store? I believe so..
self portrait, taken after my positive pregnancy test results were revealed, on May 3rd
And now here we are..4 months into our journey of bringing a baby of our very own into the world. We're becoming a family of..yup, you guessed it...3
Life is beautiful and it is painful..and it is very, very real.

1 comment:

  1. This little baby is going to bring you and your family the healing that you need.



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