..hello february..

it has already been a whopper of a month..and we are only 4 days in! On Monday, Adam left for the city again, leaving Hudson and I to watch the farm for one night. We made it through our days together and that night, I did a lot of thinking..

that night was the eve of my dad's 2nd anniversary being gone and well, it wasn't pretty. it wasn't awful either but it was my chance to get some thoughts out while I was alone for the night..a kind of cleansing, if you will. It was needed and raw and actually kind of perfect.

then yesterday we all quietly remembered dad and felt the absence just a little more than usual. as my mom said, it doesn't get any easier. but just like the precious two years leading up to it..we made it through. Adam came home from the city and we celebrated my dad with a dinner that reminded me of him and an ice cold beer..just what Daddio would have ordered himself ;) it's funny..so many people have made the comment that they wouldn't know what they'd do if they were me and had lost a parent themselves (or another loved one). The truth is..you really never know until it happens to you. Everyone deals with loss differently..I choose to celebrate my dad's memory often and grieve him quietly when a little darkness slips in from time to time. But mostly..we celebrate

then on Wednesday..I celebrated another year of my life. It wasn't a milestone by any means but 31 is definitely something to celebrate! We spent a really lovely day together as a family on the farm. The weather turned the coldest it's been in quite some time but the sun shone brightly with nary a cloud in the sky..I soaked every minute of it up! We went for a nice lunch, had a really yummy supper, I made a big wish before blowing out all 31 candles..

and then we ended our evening over at the theatre in my inlaws' home. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better day than the one I was given today. It was me and my boys..all I ever wanted ;)

so yeah..a full week already..a full MONTH! And it's only just begun!!

this week I watched the series finale of Parenthood (oh how I will miss it) as well as watched the movie, The Judge (have you seen it? Oh you need to!) for my birthday. then I sat down and thought about how these two shows were very similar in many ways..they revolved around the story of family and life moving forward and they've really resonated with me. As I was thinking about all I have taken in with those shows I also started to think about how these last 2 years have unfolded for me and what I have done for them. There were highlights and lowlights of each one but when I really think about it..I wasted them. I wasted a good two years of my life letting fears hold me back, worrying about what was happening in someone else's yard and fretting over what somebody thought of my parenting, my actions, my words. All..wasted. And I'm not going to do it anymore. My time here is worth everything to me. My family..my boys..they are my world. And that's all there is at the end of this...trust me

So here's to not holding back. Here's to loving without abandon and not apologizing for any of it. Here's to living this one precious life for all it's worth..

2015..you will be my best year yet..