Wednesday ramblings..

The Winter solstice is upon us and many are hunkering down for a long winter ahead. Farmers and gardeners alike are grateful for the rest after a long & busy Summer/harvest. For the first time in 4 years, I wasn't sad at all to pull out my garden and throw it on the compost pile. It was a weird growing year and hard to keep up with when I had a new baby that needed me. It was a year of change for sure. Change in garden locations, change in growing conditions (both in the garden and in the field), change of priorities and change in ourselves as we grew into parenthood. Yes, if I had to sum up 2014 in one word it would definitely be change.

I fought it hard..I hate change. I picked it apart and dissected my thoughts towards it all and my mood was all over the place. 2014, you were hard. The high of giving birth to our beautiful baby boy gave way to frustrations and questions and guilt and then the waves of grief quietly rolled in, gently at first and then some came crashing in. I still remember the night I walked into the kitchen and a wave of grief hit me so hard it took my breath away in an instant. When you don't have a new baby to anticipate, it's funny how quickly the grief you skipped over when you lose your dad trickles in.

I cannot honestly sit here and tell you I have fully healed and am in a 100% better place yet. But what I *can* tell you is, I have learned a lot. I have grown. I have allowed myself to feel everything and to let things sit before I work on them. I have found my passions and I have commited my life to these passions and this life here on our farm..this place is my bliss and my blessing in life

And with that in mind, I have opened my heart to 2015. I am not going to plan it or make it be the best I have ever had. Instead, I am going to let it be the year that takes me to wherever I need to be. I need to heal and to grow and to nurture..and that's exactly what 2015 will be. A year of hope. A year of simple joy. 2015 will be about nurturing my son, my marriage, myself, my art, my garden..and I find that so deeply comforting..

so today, while my boys are taking a much needed nap..I am enjoying the quiet time curled up with a cup of hot coffee and pouring over the newest seed catalogues to hit our mailbox..planning, dreaming...hoping..