Tomorrow is December...

Last night we celebrated the holidays with my extended family on my dad's side. I loved how in 30 years, so much has changed yet, so much has stayed the same. The next generation of my family were so busy playing and dancing, learning to walk and trying so hard to crawl. I watched with pure joy as my own son played with his cousins and watched them, curious to who they were and what they were doing. It's a whole new feeling to be a parent during the holidays, yet being with my cousins and my aunts and uncles and my mom, my brother and sister in law just felt like "home". We ate food, we visited, we opened gifts and laughed then finished our evening with the same carolling books we have used for the last 10 years. Horribly off-tune and full of life..that's the best way to describe my wonderful family last night. It brought joy to my heart to start the holiday season off with my loved ones.

But, it was inevitable. I found myself looking around each room, fully aware of the absence. In February it will be two years but I still keep looking for him. At Christmas more than ever, I miss my dad. He was a big kid who loved Christmas as much as I do. And I miss him so..

This year has been difficult. Wishing he could know Hudson and that Hudson could know him. Wondering how they would play together and what they would do together, it breaks my heart. If my dad were alive, this Christmas would feel whole. But it never will.

I read a quote on pinterest that said, "Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn how to swim."

And, even though it's been two years, I am still learning how to swim...

This Christmas will be magical because of my saving grace..my son. But I hope to god I learn how to at least tread water as well...