Thoughts

Today, I have officially entered my 20th week of pregnancy! I am halfway there to meeting my little bundle of joy and I cannot even start trying to explain to you the plethora of emotions I am feeling about it. Pregnancy is a lot different than I thought it would be. I admit, I was extremely naive before I became pregnant about the whole process. Extremely. I figured you get pregnant, your belly grows and you get a baby. And, while that is most certainly true. It's way, way, WAY more than that! I wasn't prepared for the constant worry that everything was okay in there or the joy at feeling a little kick at 3:30 in the morning. The worry that comes when you don't feel a kick or when the dr takes 5 mins to find their heart beat. I wasn't prepared for the anxiety and the feeling of being utterly overwhelmed by every little thing. What to buy, what I need, what to spend money on and what to accept as hand me downs, how to breast feed, when to give them a bottle, what car seat to choose, what paint color should I paint the nursery? ... I have about a million of these thoughts going thru my head at any given point. It's a lot to take in! That being said, it's the most beautiful thing I've ever done in my life. The most meaningful and the most accomplished I'll ever feel. I am growing a baby inside of me..and it blows me away that my body is truly capable of that. I mean..wow!

That being said, there is also some hormone "issues" going on that frustrate me and cause little break downs along the way. After my last prenatal appointment where I was told everything was good, I spent the weekend scratching myself like a crazy person, to the point where it was so distressing, all I could do was cry. I went back to the hospital for some bloodwork and was diagnosed with cholestasis..a very rare liver disorder that affects 1-2 in 1000 pregnancies that will disappear after I deliver. What it is, is my hormones have affected the amount of bile that flows freely to my bowels, trapping the toxins under my skin, causing me to be extremely (almost painfully) itchy. I am currently on meds to break down my bile and it's been very helpful with my sanity. It seems like only every 3-4 days do I have a bad day and even then, I take a pregnancy safe antihistamine to keep me on track. Is it frustrating? You bet. But, as long as Baby C is safe..that's all that matters!

What else have my hormones done to me? Well, they've made this a very emotional journey for me. Which, I have to admit..is a good thing. In preparation for becoming a mommy, I've become very reflective on my past and on my future. I've dealt more with my Daddio passing in these last 2 months then I did this whole Winter. I've reflected how heart wrenching it is for me to know my children will never know their grandpa Petrick. It tears me apart that my dad isn't here with me, a shoulder to cry on when things get to be too much, or an advice giver on how to be a proper parent because honestly, I don't know what I'm doing. I miss him so much and knowing he won't be there at the hospital to encourage me and cheer me on then hold his first grandchild..it breaks my soul.
I wake up from dreams where I could swear were real and we were back in the hospital room, I think it's my minds way of bringing issues to the surface to deal with them properly before I become a parent myself. But, like I said..I didn't expect pregnancy to be like this..to be a chapter of reflection and personal growth (both physically and mentally). It's overwhelming, it's beautiful but most of all, it's real!

In just 9 days, I have my gender scan to reveal to us if we have a little boy or little girl on the way. I'm anxious for the results as I have wanted a little girl for so long but, I have a feeling they're going to tell me it's a boy. So, once that chapter is opened, I'll be sure to share with you! Thank you all for sticking with me and supporting me thru this crazy time in my life. Your blog visits and comments and emails bring me more comfort & joy then you will ever know. Happy Tuesday all!!!