One Month

A photo I took of my dad this past Summer at our cabin
 
I can't believe today marks the first month our family has gone on since my dad died.
 
{For all my readers, I'm so sorry if all I've been talking about lately is my sweet Daddio..this blog and writing in general has become a form of therapy for me lately and I promise, although I will never stop talking about my dad..I will start talking about other things again soon}
 
This morning has been harder on me than I think I thought it would be. I cry most days for a few minutes at a time, usually in the shower, but then I am able to go on with my day. I plan things, I remember, I enjoy the small things, I create, I laugh..I live exactly how he'd want me to. But today, it feels like a milestone. A month that he hasn't been here..I hate it. I hate the aching hole its created that will never go away. I hate the questions I have that will never be answered. I hate the hurt its caused my poor momma and brother.. I find myself questioning why..why him? Why now? Why not someone else? {horrible, I know}
 
I find myself talking to my dad every day. Asking him questions that, although I know he can't answer, I know he's listening. I see a flickering lightbulb and I smile, thinking its him letting me know he's here. I think about his voice every day..think about how I'd give anything to pick up the phone and hear his happy voice say, "Hey! Hey! Sweetpea! How ya doin'?" it was always so full of joy and love. Or when he would answer and say, "hellooooo..what are you doing?"..it made me laugh every time. I think about how every time I would come for a visit, even when I lived in the city..he would walk me out to my car and stand on the porch, waving goodbye to me. Its these things I miss. I miss the constant love, the support. I miss how out of everyone in my family, he "got" me. He understood me. Maybe he didn't always get the things I would do..but he let me be me. He let me make my mistakes and he never judged me..never to my face. He made me believe anything was possible. He dreamed with me..sometimes he would dream bigger than I ever imagined. He kept me going. He read my blog every day and when I didn't post something..he'd ask what I was doing and what I would write about next.

I miss him. I miss him more than I ever thought was possible. I think about the future and I want him there..I want him to share in my life. I want to hear his stories. I want to take him places with me. I want him to hold my babies and give them things that only he could. These feelings I'm feeling..they're so raw..they're the most powerful emotions I've ever felt. They hurt and they also push me to keep moving forward..keep making him proud.

I remember while dad was in the hospital and it was still early on. Dad had a little chat with me that I kind of brushed off because a) it was typical of my dad so I didn't realize at the time how valuable each word he spoke was and; b) it felt like one of those talks that parents give to their children before they pass and I had no idea that would actually happen to us and so, I didn't want to go "there". But dad told me how proud he was of me. How talented he thought I was with my publications, my photography and "everything you do". He joked that I got it from him and then said, no..thats all you..you do that". And I knew it then and I know it now..I have the most amazing parents in the world. My mom and dad love me so much. They are so proud of me and that truly is a blessing that, growing up..I didn't realize how special it was. So, every day..I want to live with purpose. I want to be that person that would make my mom and dad proud. I want to continue to make dad be proud of me..because I know he is watching, listening, caring...I just can't hear him or see him.

I saw this on the internet today and, although it made me bawl..the reality cuts way too close..I loved it. Its so true..

 
The main reason I love the above photo? It brings to mind a memory of my childhood that I hold on to dearly. My dad and I were big in to taking morning walks together. It would be our time for just him and I. I loved it. There was one morning in particular, it was Summer and we walked and walked and walked around our neighborhood..I think it was the longest walk we had taken together yet and I would not shut up! I kept talking and talking and talking..I have no idea what I talked about but I do remember that day..I remember it clearly. And I remember dad always talking about that day and how much he loved it..and here I see a dad with his daughter, walking...and its he and I, perfectly.
 
So here's to one month of my Daddio being the most protective guardian angel I could have ever asked for. Here's to the man who created an amazing world for our family. Here's to the first love of my life...my Daddio. I love you, I miss you....I wish you were here

2 comments:

  1. OH DAWN, you are such an amazing writer, I hope you write these down or even print this out for PL! I'm crying over here and have to keep rereading it because my eyes are all teary. You can talk/vent/yell/complain/pray/ or anything else about your dad here, it will NEVER be too much.

    I love what you write about your parents and how much love they had for you and you them. How wonderful to have these walks with your dad and WOW he reads your blog, THAT IS THE COOLEST!!

    I have no doubt that you will be a great parent also, you learned from 2 of the best and have Adam who is so awesome too. Your children will be so lucky!

    You are doing so good Dawn and being so brave and strong, if you can write these words you are stronger then you know my friend. He is watching over you and enjoying everything you do and is SMILING BIG AND SOOOO PROUD!!

    This picture is so precious, it's perfect way to describe you and your dad. I'm sure you will find more things like this thru the weeks to remind you of him and let you know he's there.

    Take care and keep smiling Dawn!! HUGS!

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Thank you so much for your sweet comments!! I appreciate hearing from you, have a great day!

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