I can't think today..

I've been sitting at my desk today, trying to create something - anything, really. And the gumption to pull off such a feat appears to be seriously lacking. I fear the willingness to "do" isn't here right now. Some days are great and I get so much accomplished. Other days are more like today where I can honestly tell you I'm proud I fed my boys, my husband and my chickens. I'm proud because then at least that means I did something..

Sunday was a whopper day for me. My Daddio's 1 month anniversary seriously rocked my boat in a way I did not expect. The afternoon got better but I didn't sleep a wink that night. Yesterday was a much better day, I actually accomplished quite a bit! I felt tired at the end of the day and proud of all I had struck off my to do list..and I slept like a baby. But today? I'm merely existing. And I hate when I just...exist. My mind wanders - to my dad mostly, and then it really just goes down hill from there. I feel sad, down...and downright mopey. And I hate mopey. My dad would hate it too. But its how I feel and lately, I really am trying to open myself up to however I need to feel. I don't know how to deal with such a loss, but, I'm trying. And you guys? Its so hard!!

I went for a walk today because the fresh air feels so good and the sun warmed my face perfectly and I just enjoyed being out there in the country, alone with my boys. Its my time to just be, to just think and talk out loud with my Dad, (because I always know he's with me). And it hurts because my dad loved nothing more than being out in the countryside and going for walks with me and the dogs. Its like everything is a reminder of how similar we were and it reminds me of who I am, where I came from and where I'm going. Now, more than ever, I realize why dad and I butted heads while growing up..its because he "got" me and he just wanted to be a part of my life, even when I fought him on it. But he never gave up..not once. Nope, my daddy??..he loved me thru it.

My Daddio and I on a country walk in 2010
 


The point of todays' post? Nothing really..I just couldn't focus or think today about anything except this guy and I felt it important to just sit down and write about him.

And with that, I'll leave you with a walk down memory lane...

My Dad was a huge jokester. In fact it got so bad that I no longer believed a word he said, unless of course it was serious, {but thats another matter}. No - I'd ask my dad a question and he, quick as ever would say something so witty that, if you didn't know better, would've thought it must be true. But, from experience..it rarely was ;) So my response would always be..."..Mom?" haha..every.single.time

*sigh* I miss that man..

3 comments:

  1. It will take time, don't push too hard.
    Hugs
    Xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sending a big fat hug your way...and prayers that the Lord will be your comforter.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dawn,
    I'm so sorry you had a bad day, thanks for sharing it with us and letting us be there for you. I'm still lighting my candle and praying for you at night. Wish I could do more, if we lived closer we would craft, walk, COOK, play with the chickens, and just sit and enjoy the peace where you live. I think it's good for you to allow these bad days, nothing works kinda days. It's all part of the grieving. Be kind to yourself and do what you and your heart needs. If I don't get to chat with you before you leave, have a good visit with your mom. Both of you need that right now!!
    I have no doubt your dad is right there and SOOOO VERY PROUD OF YOU!! One day at a time my friend! LOVE AND HUGS!! Dawn

    ReplyDelete

Thank you so much for your sweet comments!! I appreciate hearing from you, have a great day!

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