Dealing with the hurt...

Its been a week and a half since my dad passed away and things are finally starting to sink in. The house is getting quieter, the visits are fewer and the deliveries of food and flowers have stopped {thank goodness! my moms house couldn't hold any more!}

I knew it would take some time for the reality of all of this to actually hit me..and I know its coming..right now its just the anticipation of it. Most days I still think he's just at the hospital still or maybe he's at work..and then it hits me, no..he's gone. He's never calling to check in on us again..he's never coming home...

The truth is..I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it and I'm at a complete loss. I've lost grandparents before..but losing a parent is so much more. I can't explain it. And losing a parent that you were so close with? It hurts...badly.

I had dinner with my good friend tonight who has also gone thru the pain of losing her father in the last few years. She gets it. And it was with her that I was able to truly open up with some of my thoughts and I loved that she knew exactly what I was saying. My reality is I'm a very visual person so I describe my process like this...

Dealing with this pain is like being in control of a faucet. If I let myself go there, to the part of my brain that thinks about my dad and how much I miss him and all of that..it just hurts too much. So I close it off. I don't allow myself to go there, I don't allow myself to think about it. I shut it off. Every now and then I open the faucet a little bit and I give myself a brief moment to think about everything and shed a few tears but then it just hurts too much and I shut it off again. I tell myself I can't deal with it yet and I change my focus. Is it healthy? mm, not so much..but its all I know how to do. I can't deal with it yet, it just hurts too much. I just have to take it one day at a time

In a couple of days I'll be saying goodbye to my mom and going back to the farm to get back in to a normal routine. And when I think about leaving? I get anxious. Will my mom be okay? Will I be okay? If I leave does that mean I'm moving on and leaving my dad behind? So many thoughts!! I'm looking forward to being home again and settling in. I haven't really been home since November so it'll be nice to get there, settle in, do some Spring cleaning and reorganizing and start fresh..but I'm nervous. Part of me just wants to stop time and be here, in this moment and not let go. I'm scared to move on without my dad but I just have to keep reminding myself that he's here...

and he always will be..

5 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear that your Dad passed away... It is difficult, but the pain will ease. I know, i've been there. Think of him, cry, do what you need to do. It's natural that you will mourn. Cherish the memories... You will laugh you will cry ... it's ok. He wants you to be happy....

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    1. Awe, thank you so much Mary!! I'm so sorry you lost a parent as well..it's so hard to understand til you go through it, so I appreciate it! I'm learning each day to deal with the waves as they come. Some days are easier than others but you're right..they do want us to be happy..
      Take care, friend!

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  2. Dawn, my heart goes out to you and your family. It has been a year since my dad passed away within 6 weeks of him being diagnosed with lung cancer. Sending loads of love.

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  3. Lovely post Dawn, having been thru exactly what you are going thru (I was a dads girl) I know where you are coming from. It is a period of readjustment and your dad would want you to go on and do what you usually do, it doesn't mean that you have forgotten him, he will always be there with you wherever you are.

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  4. Dawn, I just love what the above commenters said and agree with them. Glad you have a friend there that can help you, so thankful for that. I know Adam will be there too, he's so great and loves you and will help too.

    I am the same way with my emotions, only letting little bits out and then turning it off and going on with my day.

    Thanks for sharing this with and letting us help you and be there to help. Looking forward to seeing more spring stories on here soon I hope. Gotta tell that snow to go away and let the sunshine come and stay.
    Hugs and love for you and family!

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Thank you so much for your sweet comments!! I appreciate hearing from you, have a great day!

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