Remembering...

Its been 2 months since I lost my Daddio. I think about him daily..I miss him hourly.. and I wish he was here every second that goes by. His loss has hit hard, our family has a void in it that will never be filled. But every day, I know he's there..listening, watching...waiting.

I think about his voice, his laugh..our conversations that we had. I think about how he was always joking, always smiling..always loving. I think about how proud he would be when I do something very "farm girl-like" .. {it was a joke of his when I was 16 and wanting a Jeep that I wasn't "outdoorsy" enough and now look at me}

I thank him when little things in life work out for me. I wish I could share in celebrations and victories and, although I know he is there, sharing with me, I would give anything to actually see him.

I don't think about what happened to him often. It still hurts far too much. Although I know he's gone, I don't concentrate on that. When I start thinking about it, I get anxious, nervous, stressed and its just far easier to switch my thinking to something else, like when I came home one day {a fully grown adult} to find my mom and dad had bought me ribbon strings and a Barbie basket for my bicycle and then made me ride it around our neighborhood while laughing at me and, I must admit, while I laughed at myself. Its those times I want to remember..its those memories I hold so close. I don't want to think about sitting next to his hospital bed while he was in a coma, his final hours with us, and me thinking to myself, "I know I'm being selfish but please don't leave me daddy". I wasn't ready..I'm still not ready. I lied to my daddy and told him it was okay to go because I knew he was suffering..but I lied, it wasn't okay. I didn't want him to go. And I only wish that was just a really bad dream. Last month I dreamt that my dad came out of his surgery in December and was okay and I felt so thankful that he was alive and healthy, I felt relieved. And then I woke up, and reality hit me..and it hit me hard.

I know with time things will get easier. Favorite songs of his won't hurt so much to listen to. TV shows, holidays, outings...everything will unfold as it should and I'll know we'll be okay. We will miss him and we will cry and it will hurt..but we'll be okay.

And the main reason we'll be okay? Is because he gave us a very full life. A life filled with love and laughter and a life filled with memories like these. Enjoy!

 

I love you Daddio...and I miss you more than ever